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(Contributed by A.Fenton.Aardvark-Rush Press)

GIFTED....Can read and write

LOYAL....Can't get a job anywhere else.

SOCIALLY ACTIVE....heavy drinker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES....tall with a loud voice

HARDWORKING.....paranoid about being watched

NATURAL MANAGERIAL TALENT.....has Eton accent

FINANCIALLY SECURE....not afraid to ask for a rise

KNOWLEDGEABLE....expert bullshitter

DESTINED FOR THE TOP....chairmans son

POPULAR WITH COLLEAGUES...unlikely to get promoted

GOOD BUSINESS CONNECTIONS...high up in the Masons

CAREER WOMAN...too ugly to get a date

LIFE AND SOUL OF THE OFFICE....complete twat

DOWNSIZING & RESTRUCTURING....night of the Sicilian Vespers